Women Will Tell You When They’re Ready

One of the things I’ve noticed about online dating, and particularly Cupid, is that, if you’re listening, women will tell you exactly what to do and when.

This parallels interactions with women in the real world perfectly (of course). But it’s easy to point to the direction happening online because everything is written.

Here are two recent examples, complete with transcripts.

Example 1:

  1. I send a brief introductory message, complete with intro video and mention of items in her profile (this is my standard approach, by the way.)
  2. She responds in kind, but with a much longer message. (That’s a hint. Message length usually correlates with amount of interest. Not always.)
  3. We message back and forth, for a total of about 11 messages, for the next 5 days, including a few double-messages from her. (Hint: when a girl double-messages you, it’s another indicator that she’s interested.) I would not recommend sending this many messages or talking online for this many days. It was sort of an experiment.
  4. Finally, she says: “Well, it’s Sunday night. I think I’ve got a million things to do before tomorrow and I’m out of town for work quite a bit this week.” 
  5. Translation: “Are we going to meet up, or what? Make a move!”
  6. My next message was a basic “Let’s get coffee” email, plus my phone number.
  7. She texted me the next morning.
  8. We have a date set up later this week.

Pretty open and shut case, and pretty clear communication from her. Now, of course it’s not what a guy would say: a guy would just say, “Well, you’re interesting, let’s hang out.” But women are socialized to see that as too forward (and dipping towards the ever-present fear of being perceived as ‘slutty.’ Guys, sut-shaming does nothing but exacerbate our frustrations with the female gender; but that is the a topic for another article.)

Okay, let’s look at another example:

  1. I send a brief introductory message, complete with introductory video, and no mention of anything in her profile.
  2. She responds in kind, with a message of the same length, and calls out my video for the soundtrack.
  3. We go back and forth for 9 more messages on our respective taste in music, for the next 5 days. Short messages, lots of links to youtube and soundcloud.
  4. At message 9, I reference her profile, and ask what I have to do to “sample her tuna casserole” [dish changed to protect her identity.] Her profile boasts of her tuna-casserole making skills.
  5. She replies with, “… Tuna casserole fan, eh? Well, I am always much more fond of making grilled cheese after a couple of drinks. Just sayin’.
  6. Translation: “Take me out for drinks already!”
  7. My next message was, “Do you want to go to Venue A or Venue B?”
  8. In our next 3 messages we exchange phone numbers and she promises to text.
  9. She doesn’t text (at least, not yet).

There are a few additional things we can learn from this second exchange.

First – music is universal and a good topic upon which to establish initial values and rapport. There’s a reason teenagers are so obsessed with music and it’s influence in dating: music is meaning. This is also why guys and girls who are “in a band” get so much action. Music moves us. It is primal and elemental.

Second – you can give your number first. It telegraphs confidence and presumes trust. In 90% of cases when I offer my number first, women reciprocate and give their number immediately.

Third – when women say they’re going to call or text you, odds are, they won’t get around to it. No, they’re not “liars.” It’s just that their intentions change over time (like everyone’s.) Her intention in that moment is to text or call you. A few hours later, her intention is to pick up her kid from school, or get the laundry done, or carry on a really hilarious conversation with some other dude. It’s okay. It’s not about you. Don’t get upset about it.

There’s also an ambivalence I detected in this interaction: I gave this particular woman a pretty restrictive list of options for our date, over-working the “A or B” dynamic. She came back with, “Well, neither A or B work for me, so I’ll text you.” I read frustration in that response: I wasn’t flexible enough, so I’m on the back burner.

Now, if I just stay passive, I’ll stay on the back burner until I eventually fall off the stove (which won’t take long.) The way I can get back on the front burner is to take the initiative by calling or texting her and setting up a date.

Remember, guys are supposed to initiate; so even if a girl swears up and down she’ll do the work, don’t rely on her to follow-through; it’s just not as important to her that she follow through as that she be pursued by an attractive man. It’s your job to be that attractive man, and pursue her.

There you have it: a short guide to listening to women who will tell you when they’re ready to be taken out. Of course this won’t always happen — often women will just discontinue the conversation if you fail to take action — but this is a good example of what it looks like when women get a little bored and take a major role in helping the meet happen, because she really does want to meet the guy.

If a woman is curious about you, she’ll drop all kinds of hints that you can use to create a meet in real life. You just have to pay attention, and act.

Final take-away: aim to message back-and-forth with a woman no more than 2-3 times before you move into the real world. Although you can go much longer, there’s really no point: if she’s talking to you, she’s probably willing to meet you, or warming up to that.

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