Get Better Online Dating Results, In Less Time – eBook

So, I wrote a book.

After many many months struggling with online dating and coming up with solutions (as chronicled on this blog) I decided to succinctly collect everything I’ve learned, including all the time-saving tips, in a single, easy-to-read ebook.

In this book you will discover the secrets of how I:

  • Got a girl to send me her number in her very first message to me
  • Reduced the time I spent online dating from 2 hours to 20 minutes per week
  • Went on up to 4 dates per week with only 20 minutes’ per week investment

But this book isn’t just about online dating; it’s also about Craig’s list personals.

As a FREE bonus, I also decided to include the Craigslist M4W personals ad that has pulled the best for me over the years . . . this is a “Best-of-Craigslist” post that runs over 1,000 words and has 8 illustrations. Pretty much every time I run this ad, I get you 30+ real women responding with their pictures.

Running this ad will have you feeling like a hot chick. True, you’ll have to modify it for your city, but once you do, you’re golden.

How would you like to see the below in your inbox? 

Get dozens of women emailing you with this killer CL ad. (If not more.) It works.

Get dozens of women emailing you with this killer CL ad. It works.

Here’s a more complete rundown of what’s included in the book:

  • The 3 things that must be in your profile (page 18)
  • Why your writing skill doesn’t really matter to a girl (page 22)
  • Why the online dating websites want you to fail, and how to succeed despite them (pages 4 – 11)
  • Why it doesn’t matter what your first message says (page 13)
  • The 5 rules for creating profiles that stand out from the crowd (page 20)
  • Real-life examples of profiles that grab a woman’s attention and don’t let go (page 29)
  • The 9 photography techniques you need to apply to have the best possible photos (page 33)
  • The one messaging technique that improved my reply rate by 40% (page 37)
  • Real-life examples of messages that got the best replies from women (page 40)
  • Super-confident & aggressive messages that either get you in the door right away or crash-and-burn terribly (use with caution!) – page 43
  • How to interpret what she writes back (page 45)
  • How to get her phone number in four messages or less (page 47)
  • FREE BONUS: The only personals ad you’ll ever need — post this ad on Craigslist or your favorite online personals board and you will get women emailing you their photos within minutes — in some cases this ad has pulled over 100+ messages from women within 2 daysI includes the entire 1,135 word personal ad, word-for-word, and links to the 8 hand-drawn illustrations crafted to go along with it. (You MUST use this ad responsibly!)

So what are you waiting for?


Online Dating for the Modern Man + Bonus: The Only Personals Ad You’ll Ever Need. Now just $27 with instant PDF download

 Get your instant download


Every good product has a guarantee and mine is no exception.

I am so confident that you will get value out of this book — especially if you take the time to use the FREE bonus craig’s list personals ad — that I will refund your money 100%, for up to 90 days after your purchase date if you use the material therein and don’t get the results you want.

Basically, the book is the cost of a deli sandwich — and I’m offering to give you the cost back even after 3 months have past if you don’t like the taste of the sandwich.

I think you’ll agree that is a pretty solid guarantee.

So buy with confidence!


What Your Pictures Should Look Like

Photos are probably 80% of your results in online dating.

Huge judgments get made based on the first or second photo. Women online don’t have more than a few seconds per guy to make a decision, so you need to stand out.

Here are the only seven pieces of advice you really need to make a great photogenic impression:

1. Have pictures taken with a real camera. A DSLR or camera with interchangeable lenses is best. Camera phones take crappy quality pictures (yes, even the iPhone 4s/5). 

2. No flash. Flash adds 7 years, says OkCupid’s own data. 

3. Use Shallow Depth-of-Field. Meaning you should be the only thing in frame, and the surroundings should be almost blurry. 

4. Have your picture taken late afternoon, or late at night. OkTrends own data suggests that you need a photo taken during the “Golden Hour” within an hour of sunset or sunrise. 

5. Have photos with you with looking into & looking away from the camera. Some women will find you more attractive when you’re looking away (i.e. not gazing into the lens.) 

6. Your first photo should be just you, clear, with a shallow DoF. Your second photo should be you in an awesome activity (snowboarding, sky diving, whatever you really love.) Your third photo should be you with a big group of friends (please, not you and 6 playboy bunnies, that’s try-hard.) At least one but preferably all your photos should show you smiling. 

7. No shirtless shots. Do I really need to spell this out? A candid in a well-fitted T-shirt or in athletic action (surfing etc) will let her know how built or ripped you are.

8. If possible, get a professional to take the shots. They will have the skill to bring out your best angles and present your most attractive face to the Internet.

 9. Candid are better than posed. An obviously posed, professional shot says “try hard.” A subtly-professional or awesome-amateur photo says “He hangs out with amazing photographers, I bet they could make me look that good.” You want the latter.

Follow those nine points of advice, and your pictures will be better than 75% of the photos on your competitors’ profiles. . . .especially if all your photos fit these criteria.

Get the eBook! Tips that maximize your time spent online dating for minimum effort. Just $7.99. Instant PDF download. Click the cover to buy

Get the results you deserve! My 60-page PDF guide to minimize your effort and maximize your results. Click here to buy or here to learn more

What The Online Dating Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know

It used to be that when I talked to my friends about online dating, they all had the same thing to say:

“Oh yeah man, I’ve got this on lock. It’s a system. Here’s what I do.”

They would proceed to describe what they do. It was invariably something like the following:

  1. Fire up browser

  2. Go to online dating site

  3. Hit the “search” function

  4. Open 20 tabs with different women’s profiles

  5. Hit “new message” on all 20 tabs

  6. Copy-paste slightly modified message into each tab, based on a few inserts from her unique profile

  7. Sit back and wait for the awesome results to roll in

This never seemed to work too well. I’d see these same guys out on dates with women ten years older than them, or women who already had kids, or women who were alcoholics. “Where’d you meet that girl?” I’d ask. “Match,” they’d whisper.

I’m not bagging on these guys. They’re good guys, and they’re not stupid. I did this exact same thing, and got similar results: women who couldn’t remember where they parked their car after two drinks, women who drank heavily on the first date, women who couldn’t stop talking about their ex or dead husband, women who’d had zero long-term relationships in their lives.

At first I thought it was just a tainted pool: that any woman who had an online dating profile had to be “damaged goods” or “defective” in some way. (Judgmental, I know. The irony of thinking this as a guy with an online dating profile escaped me.)

Then, I got a bright idea: I would start my own dating website.

My buddy joined me as cofounder and we began our industry research.

Oh boy, did we learn.

The online dating industry is designed to make you feel like you’re accomplishing a lot, because all of these sites get paid either by showing you advertising or by hooking you into a monthly, recurring membership fee.

I quickly realized the awful truth: dating websites weren’t trying to help me get dates.

Dating websites were trying to keep me looking for as long as possible.

This terrible realization had massive implications for how I had to go about dating.

Suddenly it all made sense: why would the hot girls appear “online” before I signed up, only to evaporate when I finished my profile? Why would attractive women start “checking out my profile” like clockwork after I hadn’t logged into the site for a week? Why were there so many gorgeous, well-written profiles that had been created 2 years ago and still weren’t deleted?

The answer is simple. Online dating is a network-effects industry: if you have hot profiles, you’ll get signups.

No hot profiles, no signups.

Because of this, it is a common practice in the industry to jump-start the “network effect” is to “seed” the site with fake profiles (or pay people to put up profiles they have no intention of using) and you have a recipe for really frustrated men.

As more “real” users sign up, these fake profiles are gradually “weeded out”. . . but not before amassing hundreds of thousands of hits, views & messages from real users.

The fact is, every modern dating site has significant churn — users logging on, creating profiles, then deleting them a day to a week to a month later — either because those users couldn’t find anyone they liked, or they were disgusted by the massive influx of crass messages landing in their inboxes (the most common outcome for women.)

In fact, in my own experience with popular free dating site OkCupid, between 15% and 30% of all profiles I messaged went dark (deleted) every week. (That’s a HUGE annual churn rate.)

Finally, the incentives of a dating site, particularly a free one, create massive “dating market” inefficiencies:

  • Messaging is usually free, meaning 99% of the men message (disgusting things) to 1% of the “most attractive women.” These women get fed up and leave.

  • Technology is still stuck in the MySpace era with pictures and text, leaving no possible chance of sensing body language or chemistry. With Photoshop, anyone can look like a supermodel (or superman).

  • Studies have already shown that both men & women men lie significantly in their profiles — see the charts below for just one example. (I guess Yo Goti was right when said “Men lie, women lie.”)

So, given all this, is it still possible to meet cool, beautiful people via online dating?

It is. . . but you have to be strategic.

You also have to guard your time carefully, message appropriately, and stack the deck in your favor as much as possible — since the deck is, by default, stacked against you.

In upcoming posts, I will describe those “deck-stacking” techniques I found most useful.

Get the eBook! Tips that maximize your time spent online dating for minimum effort. Just $7.99. Instant PDF download. Click the cover to buy

Get the results you deserve! My 60-page PDF guide to minimize your effort and maximize your results.  Click here to buy or here to learn more

Online Dating Results, Week of 10/31 – 11/7

Let me start this post by saying that a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.

Having said that, I do think the entire online dating industry needs a big dose of transparency and, for that reason, I submit to you, dear reader, my results for my first week back to online dating in quite some time, the week of 10/31 – 11/7:

  • Completely re-wrote my profile
  • Contacted 41 women
  • 7 of those profiles went dark in the same time period (a 17% churn rate*)
  • Received responses from 14 women (a 34% response rate)
  • Proactively contacted by 2 women
  • Received 5 phone numbers (12% of initial messages)
  • Went on 3 dates
  • Message-to-meet ratio for the week: 7%
  • Second dates planned after first dates: 0.

This was all Cupid, and I should mention that not all of this “reduction” through the funnel was women blowing me off: out of the 5 phone numbers I got I deliberately chose not to pursue two of them.

From all my reading and talking with friends, the above numbers seem like a pretty middle-of-the-road, average experience for a male in his 20s or 30s on OkCupid in a medium-sized urban area. My city is about 500k people (with 2 million in the surrounding metro area).

Here’s the other side of the equation, my input:

  • 1-2 hours on profile rewrites and message sending
  • $20 – 30 on dates
  • Level of certainty that I would not want a second date with all three women I met, arrived at either prior to actually meeting in person, or within 0.05 seconds of them arriving at our chosen venue: 100%.

I am trying to portray, as honestly as possible, that this online dating thing is tough — even for a guy who has a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn’t.

I view my current situation as a sort of boot camp; what I’m doing is clearly not working very well for the current dating market I’m trying to crack. But I’m committed to refining and tweaking my approach until I do crack it. And, since I suspect that almost literally ever other dating market in the U.S. is easier than my market, I will be in an even better position to advise other guys on how to maximize their results from online dating.

So there you have it. I hope this has post has been illuminating to you on some level — and I hope it inspires you to post your own stats, either in the comments below or on your own blog!
*An earlier one-week test rendered a 30% churn rate, which suggests to me that this metric is pretty highly variable.

Get the eBook! Tips that maximize your time spent online dating for minimum effort. Just $7.99. Instant PDF download. Click the cover to buy

Get the results you deserve! My 60-page PDF guide will allow you to have a girl send you her number in the first message she exchanges with you.  Click here to buy or here to learn more

The Message Most Likely To Get a Response

Okay, so here’s a question that a lot of guys have on their minds when they first begin using online dating.

  • What do I say in a message to a girl?

You can say anything, but you want to make it good right?

Luckily, it turns out that most men send pretty incompetent — i.e., not great — messages. The vast majority seem to consist of “sup” or “hey you’re cute” or “wanna date me” or something else that seems to have taken almost zero effort.

It’s not very hard to write a better message than “sup bab-ee.” But in between that abysmal message and a really good, stand-out, 1% of attractive guys message is a vast, dream-littered field of mediocrity.

The goal of this article is to get you safely through that field of mediocrity and at least closer to a 1% message. Here’s what that message will look like.

Humor and Confidence

The message needs to convey your unique sense of humor, and your confidence in yourself.

You need to say things that communicate that you don’t take the whole thing too seriously. Don’t apologize or be contrite for messaging her. Don’t fawn over her. Don’t mention her looks. She knows you’re attracted to her on a physical level; that’s a given if you’re messaging her.

Humor and confidence. Confidence and humor.

Call to Action

My assumption here is that most women appreciate, on some level, a take-charge kinda guy. That’s the kinda guy you want to be (another assumption).

Don’t be afraid to end every message with a “call to action” — a directive that she email you. “Message me back” can work. So can “Anyway, email me,” and a thousand variations on the theme.

It’s amazing to me how many guys wonder why their online conversations stale out. When they share the back-and-forth with me, it invariably turns out that they weren’t directive in any way.

This is the messaging equivalent of ‘making a move,’ in the real-world and, like the real world, fortune favors the bold. Tell her what you want her to do; she can then decide if she wants to comply or not. (Hint: most of the time, she wants to comply.)

Reference her profile

If you’re looking for a serious or semi-serious relationship (or at least entertaining the possibility) it doesn’t hurt to demonstrate to her that you’ve read her profile.

Please, please, please, go beyond saying, “I also like X.” This is mediocre.

Instead, say something controversial, challenging, or noteworthy, like “I bet I can eat ice cream faster than you. Let’s find out.” Or “Marky Mark’s career is really overrated; I ran into him in the bathroom one time, and he agreed with me.” Or something even better.

Stand out & Keep it Short 

These last two are your bonus pro-tips. To stand out, try this tactic: create a female profile in your city, let the messages pour in for 24-48 hours, and then review the messages and take note of what every other guy in your city is doing to approach these women. Note what makes you annoyed, aggravated, or incredulous. Think of it as an exercise in “thinking like a woman” (not a bad habit to get into to build compassion, in fact.)

Then, plan your message strategy around being notably different from that.

For keep it short, I generally recommend your messages be no longer than 2-5 lines at the most. She isn’t trying to read a novel. You just need to convey humor, confidence, and demonstrate that you are a unique guy, and do it succinctly (remember: show, don’t tell.)

What awesome messages have you found that have worked really well? Share in the comments section below!

Get the eBook! Tips that maximize your time spent online dating for minimum effort. Just $7.99. Instant PDF download. Click the cover to buy

Get the results you deserve! My 60-page PDF guide to minimize your effort and maximize your results. Click here to buy or here to learn more

Choose Women Who Choose You

A long time ago, I was given the following advice about women (in general, not related to online dating):

“Choose women who choose you.” 

Without getting into a deep discussions of social roles and the fact that women are always the choosers, it’s enough to say that following this advice has improved my life immeasurably.

How does this translate to online dating? Well, with most dating sites (and certainly with OkCupid), you can actually see what women have been viewing your profile lately.

Now, women will often hit your profile, and not send a message. (Remember, women are conditioned not to initiate contact.) But that shouldn’t stop you from messaging those women who viewed your profile.

Think of it this way: your profile is a product. The woman was already interested enough in your picture or headline to click through. In sales terminology, she’s a prospect: she’s entered the top of the sales funnel.

The question is, is she into the offer? If she rates your profile highly (4 or 5 stars) this is an even bigger indication of interest. This is pretty much as clear a woman can be about saying “Please message me I want to know more” without actually sending you that in a message. In a bar, this is like the girl giving you constant fuck-me eyes from across the room.

Follow up on it. In my experience, the highest-probability messages are messages I send to women who visited my profile. Recently one woman even gave me her number right away in the first message she sent me (in reply to a message I sent her.)

So, what do you say in this message? “Hey, I saw you looking at my profile, what’s up?” Yes. But dressed up a little.

I’ve got another article coming on how to send the best message possible, but here are the basics.

  1. Tease her about looking at your profile and not messaging you. Duh, she’s not supposed to message you, but that’s what makes this a tease.
  2. Be confident. Assume she’ll message you back, and tell her to do so.
  3. Reference her profile in some small way (not required, but may help).

Here’s an example that has worked for me in the past:

“What do you think you’re doing, creepin on my profile without sending a message?? Anyway, I just logged on to see if anyone could catch my eye. Luckily, you did 😉 So, you have XYZ thing, do you? I seriously doubt [joke/tease/playful]. Okay, enough of this. Email me back and we’ll see if [whatever].

A word to the wise: don’t accuse her of being a stalker (stalkers are scary).

So what’s good about this message? It’s playful; humorous; it conveys confidence and humor; and finally, it contains a strong call to action — a direct command that she message you back.

Now, of course some woman are going to think, “No way I’m going to message you! I don’t like men bossing me around!” Or whatever. That’s okay. Better that, than a woman reading your message and thinking, “Oh, another milquetoast guy who tries to make idle chit-chat in a message and gives me literally nothing to say next.”

The command tone (which probably warrants its own article) selects for women who are pretty feminine; that is, they want to be guided or lead by a man. If you’re not that guy, you probably want to adjust your strategy so that you’re more passive and receptive to a woman approaching you. In that case, a woman with more masculine characteristics probably will initiate contact with you; then it’s just up to you to be the hot girl, and follow her lead in the interaction.

This is why self-knowledge is so important in (online) dating: you need to know where you personally fall (congruently!) on the passivity to activity spectrum. Then you need to either A) do the deep self-work required to expand your range or B) accept where you’re at and screen hard for the type of woman who  is your complementary opposite.

Try it out, and let us know your results in the comments below!

Get the eBook! Tips that maximize your time spent online dating for minimum effort. Just $7.99. Instant PDF download. Click the cover to buy

Get the results you deserve! My 60-page PDF guide to minimize your effort and maximize your results. Click here to buy or here to learn more

Women Will Tell You When They’re Ready

One of the things I’ve noticed about online dating, and particularly Cupid, is that, if you’re listening, women will tell you exactly what to do and when.

This parallels interactions with women in the real world perfectly (of course). But it’s easy to point to the direction happening online because everything is written.

Here are two recent examples, complete with transcripts.

Example 1:

  1. I send a brief introductory message, complete with intro video and mention of items in her profile (this is my standard approach, by the way.)
  2. She responds in kind, but with a much longer message. (That’s a hint. Message length usually correlates with amount of interest. Not always.)
  3. We message back and forth, for a total of about 11 messages, for the next 5 days, including a few double-messages from her. (Hint: when a girl double-messages you, it’s another indicator that she’s interested.) I would not recommend sending this many messages or talking online for this many days. It was sort of an experiment.
  4. Finally, she says: “Well, it’s Sunday night. I think I’ve got a million things to do before tomorrow and I’m out of town for work quite a bit this week.” 
  5. Translation: “Are we going to meet up, or what? Make a move!”
  6. My next message was a basic “Let’s get coffee” email, plus my phone number.
  7. She texted me the next morning.
  8. We have a date set up later this week.

Pretty open and shut case, and pretty clear communication from her. Now, of course it’s not what a guy would say: a guy would just say, “Well, you’re interesting, let’s hang out.” But women are socialized to see that as too forward (and dipping towards the ever-present fear of being perceived as ‘slutty.’ Guys, sut-shaming does nothing but exacerbate our frustrations with the female gender; but that is the a topic for another article.)

Okay, let’s look at another example:

  1. I send a brief introductory message, complete with introductory video, and no mention of anything in her profile.
  2. She responds in kind, with a message of the same length, and calls out my video for the soundtrack.
  3. We go back and forth for 9 more messages on our respective taste in music, for the next 5 days. Short messages, lots of links to youtube and soundcloud.
  4. At message 9, I reference her profile, and ask what I have to do to “sample her tuna casserole” [dish changed to protect her identity.] Her profile boasts of her tuna-casserole making skills.
  5. She replies with, “… Tuna casserole fan, eh? Well, I am always much more fond of making grilled cheese after a couple of drinks. Just sayin’.
  6. Translation: “Take me out for drinks already!”
  7. My next message was, “Do you want to go to Venue A or Venue B?”
  8. In our next 3 messages we exchange phone numbers and she promises to text.
  9. She doesn’t text (at least, not yet).

There are a few additional things we can learn from this second exchange.

First – music is universal and a good topic upon which to establish initial values and rapport. There’s a reason teenagers are so obsessed with music and it’s influence in dating: music is meaning. This is also why guys and girls who are “in a band” get so much action. Music moves us. It is primal and elemental.

Second – you can give your number first. It telegraphs confidence and presumes trust. In 90% of cases when I offer my number first, women reciprocate and give their number immediately.

Third – when women say they’re going to call or text you, odds are, they won’t get around to it. No, they’re not “liars.” It’s just that their intentions change over time (like everyone’s.) Her intention in that moment is to text or call you. A few hours later, her intention is to pick up her kid from school, or get the laundry done, or carry on a really hilarious conversation with some other dude. It’s okay. It’s not about you. Don’t get upset about it.

There’s also an ambivalence I detected in this interaction: I gave this particular woman a pretty restrictive list of options for our date, over-working the “A or B” dynamic. She came back with, “Well, neither A or B work for me, so I’ll text you.” I read frustration in that response: I wasn’t flexible enough, so I’m on the back burner.

Now, if I just stay passive, I’ll stay on the back burner until I eventually fall off the stove (which won’t take long.) The way I can get back on the front burner is to take the initiative by calling or texting her and setting up a date.

Remember, guys are supposed to initiate; so even if a girl swears up and down she’ll do the work, don’t rely on her to follow-through; it’s just not as important to her that she follow through as that she be pursued by an attractive man. It’s your job to be that attractive man, and pursue her.

There you have it: a short guide to listening to women who will tell you when they’re ready to be taken out. Of course this won’t always happen — often women will just discontinue the conversation if you fail to take action — but this is a good example of what it looks like when women get a little bored and take a major role in helping the meet happen, because she really does want to meet the guy.

If a woman is curious about you, she’ll drop all kinds of hints that you can use to create a meet in real life. You just have to pay attention, and act.

Final take-away: aim to message back-and-forth with a woman no more than 2-3 times before you move into the real world. Although you can go much longer, there’s really no point: if she’s talking to you, she’s probably willing to meet you, or warming up to that.

Get the eBook! Tips that maximize your time spent online dating for minimum effort. Just $7.99. Instant PDF download. Click the cover to buy

Get the results you deserve! My 60-page PDF guide to minimize your effort and maximize your results. Click here to buy or here to learn more