A long time ago, I was given the following advice about women (in general, not related to online dating):
“Choose women who choose you.”
Without getting into a deep discussions of social roles and the fact that women are always the choosers, it’s enough to say that following this advice has improved my life immeasurably.
How does this translate to online dating? Well, with most dating sites (and certainly with OkCupid), you can actually see what women have been viewing your profile lately.
Now, women will often hit your profile, and not send a message. (Remember, women are conditioned not to initiate contact.) But that shouldn’t stop you from messaging those women who viewed your profile.
Think of it this way: your profile is a product. The woman was already interested enough in your picture or headline to click through. In sales terminology, she’s a prospect: she’s entered the top of the sales funnel.
The question is, is she into the offer? If she rates your profile highly (4 or 5 stars) this is an even bigger indication of interest. This is pretty much as clear a woman can be about saying “Please message me I want to know more” without actually sending you that in a message. In a bar, this is like the girl giving you constant fuck-me eyes from across the room.
Follow up on it. In my experience, the highest-probability messages are messages I send to women who visited my profile. Recently one woman even gave me her number right away in the first message she sent me (in reply to a message I sent her.)
So, what do you say in this message? “Hey, I saw you looking at my profile, what’s up?” Yes. But dressed up a little.
I’ve got another article coming on how to send the best message possible, but here are the basics.
- Tease her about looking at your profile and not messaging you. Duh, she’s not supposed to message you, but that’s what makes this a tease.
- Be confident. Assume she’ll message you back, and tell her to do so.
- Reference her profile in some small way (not required, but may help).
Here’s an example that has worked for me in the past:
“What do you think you’re doing, creepin on my profile without sending a message?? Anyway, I just logged on to see if anyone could catch my eye. Luckily, you did So, you have XYZ thing, do you? I seriously doubt [joke/tease/playful]. Okay, enough of this. Email me back and we’ll see if [whatever].
A word to the wise: don’t accuse her of being a stalker (stalkers are scary).
So what’s good about this message? It’s playful; humorous; it conveys confidence and humor; and finally, it contains a strong call to action — a direct command that she message you back.
Now, of course some woman are going to think, “No way I’m going to message you! I don’t like men bossing me around!” Or whatever. That’s okay. Better that, than a woman reading your message and thinking, “Oh, another milquetoast guy who tries to make idle chit-chat in a message and gives me literally nothing to say next.”
The command tone (which probably warrants its own article) selects for women who are pretty feminine; that is, they want to be guided or lead by a man. If you’re not that guy, you probably want to adjust your strategy so that you’re more passive and receptive to a woman approaching you. In that case, a woman with more masculine characteristics probably will initiate contact with you; then it’s just up to you to be the hot girl, and follow her lead in the interaction.
This is why self-knowledge is so important in (online) dating: you need to know where you personally fall (congruently!) on the passivity to activity spectrum. Then you need to either A) do the deep self-work required to expand your range or B) accept where you’re at and screen hard for the type of woman who is your complementary opposite.
Try it out, and let us know your results in the comments below!